Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Thoughts of killing myself...

by Paula Neal Mooney

I held the bottle of painkillers in my palm and studied them.

It had been a mere month or so since my pretty baby girl was pulled into the world. I no longer awoke writhing with the pain that twisted me awake if I'd gone too long without taking a pill.

I no longer needed them, this I knew.

Maybe I should keep them, I thought, just in case.

That's when a sinister idea outside of my own head came to me, asking beguilingly:

"Why don't you just take the whole bottle?"

Recognizing the voice of the father of lies, the lord of the air, I tossed the bottle in the trash.

Death, be not proud...
Thoughts of the grim reaper can't help but emerge as I ponder the blog of my fourth respondent to grab my olive branch of link love, Zaki Yamani.

There's something so tender and endearing about Zaki Yamani, a chemical engineer, husband and father.

His blog, titled Zaki Yamani World, is plush with order and neatness. It gives me the warm fuzzies.

He displays beautiful imagery all throughout his posts, lulling me into a world not always filled with happy fluff, but his genuine and unique life.

Take his recent car crash, for example, when a van hit Zaki and forced him into a rain-swollen river that could have drowned him.

Seeing his accident photos, I wondered about Zaki:

"Did you think you were going to die? What were your thoughts? Did you cry out to anyone?"

Any blogger who is a complete stranger that can draw me into their blog and intrigue me in this manner has got something going on.

Oh death, where is your sting?
And so death was cheated once again by me and this Bandar Pulai Jaya-resident -- Where is that? Malaysia? -- who was injured earlier when Zaki slipped and fell at his chemical plant.

But Zaki's blog is far from gloom and doom.

Most of it is filled with wonderful links to help other bloggers get their stuff together.

And the delectable pictures of dishes Zaki enjoys from the hand of his beautiful wife or at Indian weddings make me jealous for my days of dining on authentic dishes in San Franciso.

Don't go changing...
It's hard to think of much to change on Zaki's blog -- even his grammatical errors here and there are a quirk that I love.

I can only imagine attempting to blog outside my native tongue.

I wonder if his low (but growing!) number of subscribers shouldn't be displayed so prominently. That's why you'll find mine waaaaaayyyyy at the bottom of my blog.

That's it. I can think of not much else to add to the "Just anything that linger in my mind..." blog that's won my heart.


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zaki said...


Thanks a million for the wonderful things you say about my blog. It's uplifting and makes me want to write even more. Very aspiring.

I'll improve my grammar by double checking it again and again. I know it can be quite disturbing to read a writing full of grammatical errors.

I'm so touched. Thanks again.

zaki said...


Congratulations for your new beautiful baby girl. Hope I can see a clearer picture of her.

But I wonder why do you have to take the painkillers? What brought the pain to you before?

I hope the thought of killing yourself with the pain killer never evoke again.

Paula Neal Mooney said...

Oh, don't worry, Zaki, that picture is almost five years old.

I'll have the world know I'm a lot thinner now!

Anyhoo, I had minor surgery after her birth and was prescribed painkillers to help.

They really did help!

I see why people get addicted...

The only other time I had thoughts of suicide was when I was in my 20s and had chicken pox.

I was so miserable and couldn't sleep I just wanted the pain to stop.

But fortunately, I understand my worth and value and know I have so much to live for.

Those days of "baby blues" and depression are gone -- I'm so happy my children are older.

That time can be rough for a new mother. But God is able!

Laura said...


Once again you awe me with your openness about your struggles.

Thanks for finding and sharing zaki with us!

KWiz said...

Paula, what a wonderful post. Both my husband and I were reading it together. Wow...God is truly faithful!


Jahmodi said...

Hi Paula nice baby and very good article as always.

David McQueen said...

Honest, open and candid.
I like it!

BTW thanks for commenting on my blog also.

Tisha! said...

My dearest Paula,

Don't have to tell you how those tough times put everything in perspective.

I, we are privileged to have you with us darling, your love permeates us all!

I count myself blessed!


Paula Neal Mooney