Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Porn again pastor...

I flipping love being a writer.

And I love reading the work of other great writers -- especially those bold enough to interview folks who are bold enough to tell their real truths -- warts and all -- like Nate Larkin did in a section titled "Porn Again Pastor" in the book "I Am Second" that I'm devouring.

His honesty moved me so much that I knew it was the next thing I wanted to appear on the writing platforms I'm privy to possess.

It's not everyday that you meet a Christian willing to drop the church fa├žade and admit that yes, we do have the victory in Christ Jesus -- but it's not via our own doing or because of any virtue of our flesh that we can brag about.

The Apostle Paul wrote that if he were going to brag about anything, he'd brag about his weaknesses so that Christ's power can rest upon him -- that is, when he wasn't going off on that New Testament church for being proud of some man having his father's wife.

Me in L.A. in 2010

He thought his ministry was over... and that's when it really began

There are so many things that Larkin admits in the book and in his video that resonated with this Christian writer... so many truthful admissions that inspired me.

I loved that he didn't pretend that he was above temptation -- and confessed that his wasn't a miracle deliverance from porn and prostitution visits that some people experience, but that God provides him with more of a daily deliverance type of thing.

I'm attracted to the truth -- and I'm learning a lot from these people who are taking the edict to be strong and very courageous seriously, and the charge to "don't be afraid of men and their faces" to heart.

They step forward boldly and tell the world (as God leads) about how they've screwed up.

I'm not there fully yet -- but I can feel myself getting closer and closer and more free.

I've screwed up.

I've been jealous.

I've hurt people.

I've done worse.

Yes -- and yet and still, God reminds me that I am still the apple of his eye.

And of that oh-so-powerful plea that shows me I'm not alone, perhaps just more forthcoming in some ways:


Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

So this book is helping to do something for me, along with all the other powerful self-reflection and healing the Lord of hosts is bringing into my life right now.

Not too much self-blame or pointing the finger at others' failings.

Nor will I accept the lies that I am anything but a child of God.

Fix me, Jesus, inside and out.

He is answering.

And strengthening.

And healing hearts once again. All over again.

And bringing smiles and that true contentment and peace that really does pass all understanding.

His Word really is true and won't return void.

I love it.

"I wonder how many people would get saved if you told your real testimony?"

 I Am Second...indeed
I can't forget that question that Bishop T.D. Jakes asked during a sermon years ago that I listened to on a bootlegged copy of Mega Fest that somebody gave me.

This was years after I'd walked into a church sanctuary where Bishop Jakes was preaching, and was saying something about not everybody being able to handle your real testimony. I remember he talked about if his life were a movie, there would be a few scenes he wouldn't want anyone to see.

I hear ya.

Yet like I told another Christian friend who shared her compelling testimony with me, and then we went into the safe banter about sharing things in public only "in due season" and such -- I think many times us Christians are more concerned with our own outward reputations more than God calling us to speak out the truth about our lives.

We don't want people to look at us sideways. We don't want to lose friends and loved ones.

But are they really our friends anyway if they won't forgive us -- or us forgive them? Perhaps they were, the "divine connection" peeps sent for divine seasons in our lives.

We must gaze at Yeshua and let Him write the ending of our stories...

...after all, He is the ultimate author and finisher and perfecter of our faith. We leave room for his vengeance, inhale each day with patience and not act out in odd ways. Neither should we fall back when he tells us to push forward and confess our sins to one another so that we may truly be healed.

I know I've done that -- shirked back a time or two or many more -- worried more about what people would think about me than perhaps what God might want me to say.

I've played the "nice" role so that folks would like me. But I'm done with the dangling carrots of friendship.

And let's hope and pray I'm done with writing the things that are misunderstood or anything my Maker doesn't want me to write -- and experiencing the boldness, like Larkin does -- to tell his own truth.

Come what may.

As long as it's not seeking to harm anyone, or invading their privacy. When I get the green light from heaven, I'm good to go. And if I make any more mistakes -- because (gasp!) I am human, wretched dust -- I know that God forgives the instant I repent. Lord help me to do the same so that my prayers are continually heard, and nothing comes between You and me.

As long as it's my truth -- the part of my life that God owns -- then I want to walk down that lighted path and have no more regrets.

His grace is amazing. Love shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Spirit of God.

1 comment:

carlos meyers said...

Paula,
I enjoyed reading your piece. You reminded me that the truth will set ya free
Carlos.

Paula Neal Mooney